How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk

I'm trying to get my head around the principles in this book, and thought that writing a review might help me do that!

The book makes ambitious promises: Peace? Cooperation? Helping children deal with difficult emotions? Teaching independence? Expressing anger without being hurtful? Better relationships? The stories from parents who've used the techniques illustrate just how powerful a few small changes in communication can be. The authors obviously know what they're talking about, and use their experiences with their own children and facilitating groups of parents to make the book engaging and relevant. 

It is a very practical book, with lots of cartoon illustrations, examples, and exercises to practice. At the same time as it being easy to read, I've found applying the techniques really difficult! Maybe that's because I was so eager to read it that I didn't do the practice exercises at the end of each chapter (tut tut!). Maybe it's because reading it coincided with starting speech therapy and another communication course with Westboy, so we were trying to make an overwhelming number of changes at once. Maybe it's because we all get stuck in patterns of communication that are so comfortable and instinctive that they're difficult to change (especially in situations involving strong emotions, bad behaviour, rushing around and feeling flustered!). And perhaps I'm just so tired and forgetful that in the middle of situations when I should use these tips I tend to think "um, what did the book say again?!".

I reckon it's the kind of book that will become increasingly useful as my children get older. With a child aged 1 or 2, bits of the book would be relevant (I can use some of it with Westbaby already), and with each passing year more of it becomes useful. It's probably best to practice these kinds of things before the pressure's on, or certain bad habits form in your communication with children, so I'd recommend it to any parent from toddler-hood onwards. 

The chapter that feels most relevant to us at the moment is "Engaging Cooperation". In the course of each day, there seems to be a relentless stream of getting the boys to do what I want them to do and not do what I don't want them to do. The main things that I've tried to implement so far are not being *too* polite when I'm asking the boys to do things (as long as I'm generally being respectful, saying "please" isn't always necessary and can undermine my request by sounding like I'm pleading). I've started sometimes using single word instructions, rather than longer explanations (So "trousers", instead of "now please pull your trousers up"). Other tips I've used are describing things ("the water is spraying on the floor"), giving information ("walls are not for writing on, paper is"), and talking about my feelings ("I don't like being shouted at").

I like the advice of acknowledging children's feelings and naming emotions, rather than minimising their experiences. For example, I felt that explaining that a blood test Westboy had recently would hurt but not for long seemed to help him cope with it.

The chapter that I found most challenging (in the sense that I'm not sure whether I agree with it or not, and it made me think lots) was called "Alternatives to Punishment". It's such a contentious topic (maybe especially for Christian parents trying to parent with Biblical standards in a very different cultural setting??), and one that I know I don't have all figured out. This book added some interesting thoughts, and useful strategies. The authors' suggestions might become a greater part of my 'discipline repertoire' in the future, as the boys get older. I already try to do things like stating my expectations before issues arise and diverting attention into being helpful, but sometimes it's simply too late for those kinds of tactics to work! I'm still not convinced that ditching all punishment is the best strategy with all children at all times. Time-outs and very occasional smacks have a place in our house at the moment, but I'm open to that changing. So it's a good, thought-provoking discussion, that I'll bear in mind and experiment with, but not implement wholesale.

I feel like Westboy's speech and hearing difficulties (hearing loss, phonological delay, developmental delay) has made us more aware of our communication, and has encouraged us to "raise our game". We simply have to get down on his level, get his full attention, face him, and repeat what he says to check that we understand. It's hard work sometimes, so anything to make that effort more worthwhile is valuable. This is a book that I'd thoroughly recommend, and one that I'll be rereading, taking notes on, practising, and hopefully applying to my communication! I'd love to discuss it with other mums, and have some accountability as I re-read it s-l-o-w-l-y, do the exercises, and start applying more of it in my parenting.

Ten on Tuesday: communication difficulties, mostly!

1. We've just had a beautiful week in Devon, staying with Granny & Gramps (Tom's parents).

2. My phone stopped working while we were there. I had been thinking that I ought to cut down my time on Facebook and suchlike (eek), but was unimpressed to have an unexpected media fast forced on me.

3. My phone was also my camera, diary, notebook, shopping list, satnav, address book, and much more besides. Too many eggs in one basket. Ouch.

4. I've borrowed an old mobile, so can at least send and receive calls and texts now.

5. We've decided that Westboy is going to have an extra year at preschool, and then go to the Christian Fellowship School. (We decided this several weeks ago, but I hadn't put it on here, so am including that for anyone who was wondering...!).

6. It's such a relief to have made a decision, and to feel like the 'pressure' is off. I hadn't expected to take this route, but am very happy with it.

7. Westboy's having a hearing aid fitted this week. Tests just before our holiday showed that he has permanent hearing loss in one ear. It was a shock, but I reckon it explains a lot about his speech, development and behaviour. I'd been bracing myself for a big grief reaction (or something?!) when we went away and had time to process the information, but I actually just feel excited that he'll be able to hear sounds that he currently can't hear (& hopefully pronounce them too, in time).

8. Nana & Grandad (my parents) have moved to Cheshire, and we had a wonderful first visit to their new house yesterday. It's so good to have them living closer :-)

9. I'm tired. Blood tests were fine though, so it isn't my thyroid medication or iron levels. Just life.

10. The cars are still there. Nothing suspicious on the database. grrr! Useful to know about the 101 number though! Thanks for the tips.

Well, that was a bit of a serious Ten, sorry everyone! More Tuesday-bullet-point-blogging may be available at the blogs of Sarah, Jo, Lucy, Hannah, Esther & Laura.

Ten on Tuesday: catch-up time

I'm determined to manage a ten this week! The last few Tuesdays seem to have passed in a blur.

1. Since I last blogged, Westbaby & I have both had a virus. His landed him in Alder Hey for 3 nights, with suspected meningitis/tonsillitis/
measles. It highlighted how WONDERFUL it is that: a) the boys are generally healthy, b) we have an amazing children's hospital nearby, and c) dry shampoo & iPhones exist.

(obviously feeling MUCH better!)

2. Westboy had his 4th birthday last week! He had a full brass band play "Happy Birthday to You" in Southport Botanic Gardens, where we were having a church picnic. I attempted to use "proper" cake decorating gel colours for his birthday cake: a Spiderman face/mask that he took into nursery. I was really pleased with how it turned out, but the gloves I was wearing split while I was colouring the icing, so my hands ended up a vibrant shade of red.

3. Westboy and Daddy went to London the weekend before his birthday. The trip involved buses, trains, boats, underground trains, dinosaurs, a playground, and ice cream, so was pretty much perfect from an almost-4-year-old boy perspective. Tom's started this tradition of taking each of the boys away on their own for a weekend around their birthday. So very sweet!

4. I spent that weekend with Westbaby, who was missing his big brother and daddy, and cutting a new tooth. Ouch.

5. One morning while they were away, I came downstairs and found a trail of ants industriously filing from the front door to the kitchen. When I opened the kitchen door, I discovered that the floor was covered in thousands of ants. It looked like something out of a wildlife documentary. In my kitchen. So I did the predictable thing: stood on a chair and phoned my husband. We both thought we had some ant poison somewhere, but I couldn't find it, and it probably wouldn't be much use against the crawling swarming masses. So I mopped the floor with vinegary boiling water. (Joseph was strapped in his high chair throughout this, objecting noisily). Happy ending: no more ants.

6. Westbaby destroys iPhone chargers. Our house is full of them, but I can never find any that work when I need one, so my phone is constantly teetering on the brink of battery death.

7. The boys have recently been introduced to Lego, and LOVE it. Westboy is great at building multifunctional vehicles (e.g. an aeroplane-train), while Westbaby prefers walking on the bricks (must be a bit like fire-walking!)

8. Whenever I ask Westboy who/what he'd like to pray for at bedtime he says Fireman Sam... ...so the emergency service workers who look after us all are getting well prayed for here!

9. Someone has abandoned two rather nice cars outside our house. They've been there for several weeks, without moving. We live on a terraced street and everyone parks outside their own house, so having 'our' space filled is really quite inconvenient. Especially with two small children. Especially when it's raining. Hmph! (The tax disc on one of the cars has expired. Some days I'm tempted to report it and have it towed away. Except that there's always a possibility that it'd just get clamped, which would probably just compound the problem!). Any advice???

10. Westboy told me there was a dinosaur in the living room this morning. I had to pretend to catch, wrestle, and shut it in its cage. Quite a dramatic way to put away an ironing board!

Linking up with the Ten-on-Tuesday crowd: Sarah, Jo, Lucy, Hannah, Esther & Laura.

Breaking Bread Rules

Right, a yeasty post! (This is supposedly a baking blog, after all...)

Most of my recent bread-making has been using the "Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day" method (or "ABin5"). It sounds amazing, doesn't it? No bread machine, no kneading, minimal effort and time, and yet a homemade loaf of bread?!? 

Well, it does take more than five minutes to produce a loaf, but that's probably a fairly accurate estimation of the time that you need to actually *do* anything, especially if you get into the habit of keeping a batch of dough on the go. There's certainly a lot less work than traditional bread-making, and the results are delicious. It's also interesting to see that the rules of bread-making can be so thoroughly broken, and yet still result in a tasty loaf of bread.

Here's how it works...

• Chuck in a large bowl: 3 cups lukewarm water, 2 sachets fast-action yeast, 1 tbsp salt, & 6.5 cups plain flour (yes, plain, not bread flour!).
• Mix until combined.
• Cover loosely (I have an attractive Home&Bargain shower cap specifically for this purpose!)
• Let it rest at room temperature for 2 hours .
• Shove in the fridge for up to 2 weeks.

To bake:

• Sprinkle the surface of the bowl of dough with flour. Take out some dough (the full quantity makes 4 small loaves. Making the loaves too big means they collapse, so keep them small).
• With flour-covered hands, gently form the dough into a ball, lightly rotating it in your hands and stretching the surface to the bottom (this takes about 30 seconds). Do not knead it or squish any air out! The bottom of the loaf may seem to be a collection of bunched ends, but that sorts itself out.* 
• Place it on a floured baking sheet and rest the loaf for about 30 minutes. 
• Heat the oven to max (220C-ish) 20 minutes before baking.
• Dust the top of the loaf with flour, and slash across the top of it with a serrated knife.
• Put the baking sheet with loaf into the oven, and pour 1 cup of hot water into a grill pan beneath it.
• Bake for about 30 minutes, until the crust is nicely browned and firm to the touch. (Using wet dough means that the interior doesn't dry out despite a dark crust).
• When you remove it from the oven, the loaf crackles and 'sings'. Cool on a wire rack.

Store the remaining dough in the fridge (covered but not airtight) until you next want a fresh loaf of bread!

I usually make a half-quantity, which is enough for two small loaves. I then bake both loaves at once, rather than having a fridge full of dough and doing the whole shaping-and-resting-and-baking process for just one loaf (...which will probably be eaten by my family in less time than takes to say "artisan bread in five minutes a day"). The crust seems to keep the loaf fresh for longer than other homemade breads, and it freezes well too.

The book has a huge number of variations on this basic bread recipe. I've mostly stuck to this basic 'boule', but have also used this method to make great pizza and brioche.

*edited to add this youtube clip to show what I'm struggling to describe! He shapes the loaf at 5 minutes.

Two on Tuesday

...'Cos something's better than nothing :-)

1. Towards the end of the bank holiday, when food was running low in our house, I found that I had 9 strawberries, a lemon, and two-thirds of a pot of Greek yoghurt with honey, which was precisely what I needed to make this lemon & strawberry frozen yoghurt. (Dairy re-introduction going well).

2. Westboy put a toilet seat over his head. It had to be cut off him. Discipline's difficult when you're crying with laughter.

Linking up with the Ten-on-Tuesday crowd: Sarah, Jo, Lucy, Hannah, Esther & Laura.

On this day...

11 years ago today I saw an advert for a PhD studentship in Liverpool.

9 years ago today Tom & I started going out, and 8 years ago today he proposed.

...and 33 years ago today I was born.

So a pretty great day for me!!! 

I'm so thankful for my wonderful family, great friends & all of God's goodness in my life. 

Many waters cannot quench love;

rivers cannot sweep it away.

If one were to give

all the wealth of one's house for love,

it would be utterly scorned.

Song of Solomon 8:7

Ten on Tuesday: Tea & Emergency Baths

1. A visit to Alder Hey found that Westboy has glue ear, which has recently cleared in one ear, but is causing (hopefully temporary) deafness on the other side. It was quite a shock, as I had no concerns about his hearing and had only arranged the appointment because it seemed sensible to rule-out hearing problems. It's kind of revolutionary to realise that when he ignores what I'm asking him to do, it may actually be that he can't hear me. Yikes!

2. ....So I was particularly unhappy with the woman who 'helpfully' held the gate open for him, so he could exit the playground the day we found this out! Yelling not much use when the child can't hear you. I had to catch up with him, carrying Westbaby, before he registered I was there. Grrr!

3. We're doing a dairy experiment at the moment, introducing a little bit of milk into Westbaby's diet... ...and so far, it seems to be ok! Hurray!!! He's teething & had a high temperature over the weekend, so he's not exactly happy, but it doesn't seem to be dairy related.

4. ...And that means that I had my first cup of tea in over a year!!! I'd been looking forward to it so so much, craving a decent cuppa for weeks, but in the end it just tasted wrong. I simply couldn't drink it. So I'm back on the black tea, until I've re-educated my taste buds. (Cheese & chocolate are good though. Mmmmm!!!)

5. This was good to read in the middle of a sunny few days, while those "eek-I-don't-look-how-I-want-to-look" thoughts were shouting pretty loud.

6. When it's one of our birthdays, I hide cards & presents somewhere safe if they arrive before "the day". This includes hiding things from myself if it's my birthday approaching. It makes perfect sense to me, but my husband finds it totally irrational and it's caused problems in the past... like the time that he didn't see the present arrive from his parents because I'd hidden it and he thought they'd forgotten his birthday, or when he hid presents from my friends to me so well that he couldn't find them again.

7. The sunshine this week has meant lots of time playing in the back yard. Whatever toys and activities I set up, "playing in the back yard" inevitably ends up as playing with MUD. So there have also been several impromptu baths in the yard :-)

8. The hot weather and lack of sleep had been making me feel breathless and overwhelmed, so this advice on how to breathe in a breathless world was a welcome read.

9. I loved this, about the new 'Crumbs' chickens. It reminded me of our favourite chickens.

10. Ending with a bit of Rend Collective Experiment...

There are more ten-on-tuesdays here: Sarah, Jo, Lucy, Hannah, & Laura.

Have a great week!